On Child-Raising

I just had a minor exchange with my spouse. Though unrelated to personal finance, I felt that the episode and the resulting realizations are worth sharing.

Background

With the arrival of my second child, we moved in to my parents' place as we felt that the maid alone cannot handle both children. We were staying with my in-laws previously, but my mum-in-law didn't want to be at home to help out with the children - she has her own retirement activities. Hence, other than having my wife becoming a stay-home-mum, our only other option is to move in to my parents' place for my mum to help out with the children.

Not-So-Good Relationship Between the Two Dowagers

As with almost all other cases I've heard, my spouse's relationship with my mum leaves much to be desired. The cohabitation started off rather badly, but over time, they learnt to stay out of each other's way and the situation improved - but not quite enough.

The unpleasant exchanges between the two ladies stoked my wife's desire to move back to our own place. We are fortunate to have a trustworthy and capable helper, hence my wife felt that we could leave the kiddos with her at our own home. I don't agree.

Potential Risks of Leaving Our Children with Only the Helper

While I don't proclaim to fully empathize with the unhappiness my wife has to put up with, I feel that the potential downside for moving out is far too great to be worth risking.

First, young children's capacity to learn is beyond the realm of our imagination. By putting them in an environment where there is only one adult (the helper) for most parts of the day, we might be, albeit unintentionally, artificially limiting their learning and growth. There is so much that a growing toddler needs and is able to learn, and nature has helped facilitated this by making them extremely curious and observant. Toddlers are further endowed with the ability to take in information from multiple sources - so many that they themselves might not even be conscious of. Even in the absence of planned, deliberate "teaching", young children are constantly learning, picking up new knowledge and making sense of the world around them. When my wife said she doesn't feel like my mum is teaching the children anything, hence justifying why there is no added value in staying with my parents, I knew she has massively and mistakenly underestimated the amount of learning done by the children through casual interactions with, and observations of the people and happenings around them. The immersive experience of listening in to conversations between adults, observing how adults behave and interact with each other, and sensing emotions under different situations is hard to replicate in a household consisting of only the helper and the two children. a tiny household is more "sterile" and provides less stimulus and learning opportunities for toddlers.

Second, our children will start going to pre-school very soon, and that is when they will start getting exposure to many other things - both good and bad. As toddlers, they will no doubt be excited to talk about their experiences and learning in schools. Staying with my parents means that they will be able to talk to them while my spouse and I are at work. This interaction provides my parents with "teaching moments" to impart correct life values, demystify/clarify misconceptions/misinformation, nudge them in the correct direction if they are going off-course, and finally, discipline them when required. The helper cannot be expected to do the same, and we risk our children becoming self-entitled if their needs and wants are always pandered to by the helper.

Permanent, Irreparable Consequences VS Fleeting, Temporary Unhappiness

The two potential consequences of leaving the children with only the helper are irreversible and permanent. Contrast this with the fleeting and temporary unhappiness that my wife has to put up with for perhaps 2 more years, and the sensible choice to make becomes obvious. Now, I am not saying that our moving out will definitely turn our children into delinquent, self-entitled teenagers - child-raising is never this straightforward - but as parents, we should strive to provide the best environment (not materially) that gives the best chance of nurturing our children into independent, confident, and healthy adults.

Author : F4FF

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